Some time ago, there was a piece
in a music mag which expressed the opinion that the last Rolling Stones song
worth a shite was ‘It’s Only Rock N’ Roll (But I Like It)’. Bear in mind, said
song was released in 1974. So what the fuck have they done since then? This
article doesn’t intend to have a go at the Rolling Bones’ entire career.
Frankly, we haven’t got the time to pump out a 50,000 word article and we all
know they were, are and will be hilariously overrated anyway. Instead, we take
umbrage with the miserable circus that encompasses their most recent
movements…which with men as old as they are, aren’t very regular.
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| JAGGER'S O-FACE REVEALED |
Not content with hoarding more
money than most nations, the Moaning Groans announced the release of ANOTHER
greatest hits set. Where most people thought 40 Licks was a suitable summation of their 800 year career, it
seems Jagger et al were not satisfied. Available in myriad, ever-expanding
formats, each more expensive and needless than the last, GRRR is another blatant money-grab from the last group on Earth
that should be doing such things. Accompanying this corporate rape-fest, the
announcement of a 50th anniversary ‘tour’ was met with rose-tinted
rapture by the broadsheets and Smash Hi…sorry, NME. Such outlets glossed over
the criminal ticket prices; the cheapest being £106. For that price you’ll be
stuck in the nosebleeds. You may as well sit in the garden and watch an ant
hill as you slam ‘Jumpin’ Jack Flash’ on yr headphones. With the Moulding
Gnomes’ combined age trumping that of the U.S.A., their “tour” would never be
as such. Bypassing all of mainland Europe, Russia, Asia, Africa and South
America, the group plumped for a mere four dates in London (of course!) and New
York (OF COURSE!). Even the most blindly loyal fan should see be able to see
this as the affront it actually is. What exactly is stopping them from playing
at least two massive gigs on each continent? They would still exclude vast
numbers of people, but at least a maintainable, feasible and (most importantly
for them) financially rewarding concession will have been made.
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| STONES REVEAL NEW DRUMMER |
The bigger question is, why would
anybody want to see this murder of cadavers anymore? Anybody who saw the Martin
Scorcese docu-gig Shine a Light for
what it really was (i.e. a tepid, confusing musical gangbang) already know to
stay away. Those actually attending should expect nothing more than watching
Richards & Co. clang through ‘Last Time’ with the same pathetic irony that
sees The Who crawl through ‘My Generation’ night after night.
Charles Montgomery Burns said it
best: “Have the Rolling Stones killed.”
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