RIHANNA ON A PLANE : PLEASE BRING OWN SNAKES

To celebrate the launch of her new album 'Unapologetic', Rihanna has apparently engaged in her ultimate 'rock and roll fantasy' by performing over 7 days in 7 different cities, accompanied by a small army of fans. Oh, and her PR team. And the world's media. To this end RiRi (God I feel dirty) has acquired the keys to a Boeing 777 and is currently zooming around the world's airspace.

Now, before we start, I actually don't think Rihanna is a bad performing artist. Sure she's not as interesting as Gaga, or as inventive as Minaj, can't dance as well as Beyonce and can't sing as well as Perry. But she's managed to carve out a niche for herself as the slutty younger sister who's up for a good time and wants to get 'craazy'. And it's served her well, at 24 she's already outsold most of her contemporaries and is worth more than the treasury of a small African country. And yes, I know she does good works for charity and all that jazz, which is naturally to be applauded. I'm not slagging her off,  I'm not bitter that she dumped me for Chris Brown.

The plane apparently holds 250 people, and it's designed to be an all out party. Rihanna has kitted it out with a bar and dancefloor, and the PA system continually blares out the new album.

"Actually, I'm more of a Vaccines Fan"

Can you imagine anything worse, than being trapped on a plane, the same songs being played continually over and over again, everyone around you getting drunk and screaming at the top of their lungs whenever they catch a glimpse of Rihanna? It sounds like an absolute nightmare. To borrow a phrase from Samuel L Jackson - "Open some windows..."

At a time when most of the world's economy is being flushed down the toilet, it's galling to think of a multi-millionaire swanning about in a private jet. But for me, the main problem with Rihanna's airplane is just how boring a stunt it actually is. I mean, it's first day of internship stuff isn't it? Picture the scene:

"Ok, for Rihanna's new album we need to do something SPECTACULAR that's going to really make people say Fuuuuuuuccckkkkk!"

"Why don't we push a llama off a cliff?"

"No, the animal rights market won't go for it."

"Get Ri to pole dance atop the White House?"

"Jesus, Obama's got enough problems."

"Push the Dalai Llama off a cliff?"

"No, the bhuddist market won't go for it....YOU! NEWBIE! What do you think??"

"Erm...get a plane and fill it with drunken fans and then fly around the world?"

"THAT'S GENIUS!"

"Rihanna! If in doubt, hoof it out!"

It's not even that interesting an idea. For a 'rock and roll fantasy' it's pretty lame. It's only the first thing every rock star/lottery winner/Russian billionaire does when they get a bit of wedge. What's next Ri? Are you going to buy West Ham and rename them The Rihammers? Are you going to do an 'Explicit' version of 'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles'? "Oooo baby, blow those bubbles...blow them up my..."

Next time Rihanna, try getting the National Express back from Leeds to Manchester after a gig 4:30am with the guy next to you vomitting on your shoes and a girl at the back cackling, "I've just done coke!!!" Now, that's a rock and roll fantasy.